I really feel bad right now. For a lot of reasons, I feel devastated. I woke up early this morning so I could be the first one to use the laptop. I was fine until I found out something. Something really bad. *the thing I found out has nothing to do with the computer, internet of whatsoever! hahaha* Then yes, I started to feel bad.

I always ask myself "why are these things happening to me?". I often feel that life is really unfair. I gave up a lot of things. The things I wanted so badly but I know I could not have it. Life is not SWEET for me. I just feel that I am the worst person in the world. I feel like I am useless, helpless, and hopeless. I don't know why the hell I am here. If this is a test, then why do these things keep on happening to me. I know it's not my fault. I was a product of a mistake. And yes, I'm the one who is suffering for all the mistakes they did in the past.

I feel worthless.

Why can't I just have a good and peaceful life?. I want to be tough. Tough enough to face all the problems in my life. But how can I be tough if I don't know how to. I can't be. There are too many problems I can't handle. It's dominating my world, my life.

Yes, I have to admit, I am weak. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. For the past few months, I stopped my routine of praying day and night. I was really carried away by my emotions. My heart is full of anger and hatred. I blame a lot of people, I even blame God. The worst part there is, I never blamed myself. Im looking up to myself too much.

I have lost my faith... and now I don't know how I could get it back. I feel guilty for the things I have done. So maybe life wasn't unfair at all. I was...too. I go to church every week..my body does, but my soul does not. I am like a passerby. I stand there, sit, sing, listen *but not with the heart* and then leave. I am lost right now. I am not on fire for God anymore. My burning desire for the Lord is out of fire. My world is so dark. Darkened by the sins i've done, hatred, anger and jealousy.

I want to stand up. I want to get up. I don't want to be weak anymore. I want to fight this battle. I want to win. I want VICTORY! Little by little, I will stand. I may fall a hundred times, but I will never give up. I am going to prove to myself and to everyone that I deserve to live this life. I can be happy with my life. And yes, maybe that day, when I find happiness, I can also find my purpose and what I am worthy of.

Psalm 27: 7-11 [NIV] "Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "seek his face!" Your face Lord, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressor."

It's your day.

We met each other.. in this "event". You kept on glancing at me. Couple of times, I caught you looking at me. Even my friends told me that yeah, you kept on looking at me during the "event".

You asked me this question, I did not know how or what to answer... 'coz the answer was you. Yes, I started falling for you.

We became friends.. but that was all.

I want to tell you how I really feel... but Im afraid to. Afraid that if I do, you might change. You might go away. I dont want to take the risk of making or breaking our friendship. Maybe it's better off this way. I could really feel that you feel the same way and that you have the same problem with me. hehe. I know you're the torpe type of guy. SO yes. that's it.

Few days ago, my brother reformatted our laptop. I did not know that he was going to reformat it, so yeah. such a crap.

All my fave programs were deleted..

iTunes
Adobe Photoshop CS3
Limewire
Yahoo Messenger
some games
and more.. hehe.

so yeah.. my brother had to download Limewire again.. I had to download the iTunes and Yahoo Messenger.. btw, all the songs in my iTunes were gone as well. The worst part was the Photoshop. ( I have my own cd, but my classmate borrowed it but never returned it. daaaaamn. ) So yeah..had to wait until friday came 'coz that was the only time I could buy another cd.

AND NOW IT'S BACK! yey.. im so happy.

for the first two weeks of may, I might not be able to update my acct since Im having swimming lessons in lsgh. ) haha.. oooh, I want a waterproof cam!

Hello. It's been a while since I last wrote an entry here. hehe. Im trying to update my Dev account every now and then. HAHAHA. Since it's summer and I got nothing to do...

Well, some of the photos I posted are kinda old.. or should I say not the recent pictures. hehe, I was trying the lomo/vintage effect in Photoshop. So there. I am currently in love with the vintage effect. hehe


my mp4's fixed again, so I can take pictures na. HOORAY!
okay. that's all for now. haha.

okay! finally summer is here!

oh yeah, stress is over! no more homework! no more projects! no more seatwork!. no more waking up very early everyday! no more headache!.

summer summer summer summer!. hahaha. ok, im so hyper today.

Last night was our Sophomore's night. Yea. Yesterday was very tiring. Morning, we had our exams.. after exams, we went to Celebrity to fix the place.. We started decorating the venue by 1pm.. so yea, we were really really exhausted. We had to go up and down, fix the deck of cards, fix the decors on the wall..EVERYTHING. Thanks to our head, she did nothing. .|..

SO YEAH. my day was almost ruined because of her..