I really feel bad right now. For a lot of reasons, I feel devastated. I woke up early this morning so I could be the first one to use the laptop. I was fine until I found out something. Something really bad. *the thing I found out has nothing to do with the computer, internet of whatsoever! hahaha* Then yes, I started to feel bad.

I always ask myself "why are these things happening to me?". I often feel that life is really unfair. I gave up a lot of things. The things I wanted so badly but I know I could not have it. Life is not SWEET for me. I just feel that I am the worst person in the world. I feel like I am useless, helpless, and hopeless. I don't know why the hell I am here. If this is a test, then why do these things keep on happening to me. I know it's not my fault. I was a product of a mistake. And yes, I'm the one who is suffering for all the mistakes they did in the past.

I feel worthless.

Why can't I just have a good and peaceful life?. I want to be tough. Tough enough to face all the problems in my life. But how can I be tough if I don't know how to. I can't be. There are too many problems I can't handle. It's dominating my world, my life.

Yes, I have to admit, I am weak. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. For the past few months, I stopped my routine of praying day and night. I was really carried away by my emotions. My heart is full of anger and hatred. I blame a lot of people, I even blame God. The worst part there is, I never blamed myself. Im looking up to myself too much.

I have lost my faith... and now I don't know how I could get it back. I feel guilty for the things I have done. So maybe life wasn't unfair at all. I was...too. I go to church every week..my body does, but my soul does not. I am like a passerby. I stand there, sit, sing, listen *but not with the heart* and then leave. I am lost right now. I am not on fire for God anymore. My burning desire for the Lord is out of fire. My world is so dark. Darkened by the sins i've done, hatred, anger and jealousy.

I want to stand up. I want to get up. I don't want to be weak anymore. I want to fight this battle. I want to win. I want VICTORY! Little by little, I will stand. I may fall a hundred times, but I will never give up. I am going to prove to myself and to everyone that I deserve to live this life. I can be happy with my life. And yes, maybe that day, when I find happiness, I can also find my purpose and what I am worthy of.

Psalm 27: 7-11 [NIV] "Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "seek his face!" Your face Lord, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressor."